Entries From My Bleeding Soul's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Entries From My Bleeding Soul ♥ Biography of A Slut ♥ My Naughty Stories ♥ Tragic Memories ♥ CyanideSlut on MySpace [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Breathe, I Must Breathe [Monday, 5th February, 2007 @ 10:31pm] I think I have finally calmed down enough to write. I think I've done enough crying and screaming and yelling and kicking and breaking things to finally sit and get this all out. Then again, since the tears are rolling down my face now, I guess I was wrong. I'm so fucking scared and devastated and hurt and everything. The whole world feels like it's crashed on my shoulders and that it's burning to a crisp. I feel like I'm on fire. My heart is beating so fast I fear it's going to burst out of my chest. My whole chest feels like it's on fire. On January 21st, my older sister Verena was rushed into the hospital. She had started having contractions. This was actually a bd thing since she was only 5 months pregnant. Her fiance and I spent all night there. In fact, we spent several nights there. The contractions eventually stopped on the 22nd but she was kept for observation. On the 23rd, Verena fell into a coma. On the 24th, she delivered a still born baby. On the 27th, my beautiful sister died at 5:32am. She never woke up again. And we still don't know what the cause of her death was. The doctors are baffled. They did an autopsy and everything and still don't know anything. On February 1st, Verena's body, her ex-fiance and I flew back home. As if everything wasn't bad enough, I know had to face my very strict, very cruel, very Amish parents for the second time in almost 7 years. It was also the first time in 7 years that I saw Anya again. Verena's funeral was held on February 2nd. It was a horrible day and a horrible funeral. My sister was beautiful and lively and everything that her funeral was not. My parents dressed her in a horrible gray sack like dress (typical Amish garb) complete with bonnet and apron. They had died her hair back to it's original dark brown (she had died it a beautiful auburn color), she didn't wear any makeup. She looked 60 years old in her casket. Verena was only 28. The loss of Verena, her funeral, seeing my parents and my twin was too much for me. I went to bed early the night of her funeral. That night, Verena's ex came to me while I was asleep and tried to sleep with me. I guess tried to rape me would be more accurate. I slapped him and he hit me. He tore my nightgown and pulled off my panties and I screamed so loud I thought the windows would break. My father came in with a gun and pointed it at me. Yes, me not him. My mother came running in followed by Anya. Anya took one look at me and left the room. My mother started screaming at me, calling me a whore. My father demanded I leave. I tried to explain and they called me a liar. Once again, my parents turned their backs on me and kicked me out of the house. I felt like I was 14 all over again. However, none of that hurt as much as my twin turning her back on me. She has only talked to me twice in the last 6, almost 7 years. Neither time was by choice. I needed my sister. I needed love. And yet again, my family deserted me and treated me like an outcast. Sometimes I wish I could just die. This is one of those times. 1 tears shed, cry with me?

The Emerald Ashridge Story [Wednesday, 21st June, 2006 @ 4:58pm] Hi, this is my first time posting a Sim Story and I hope you like the beginning of mine! Feel free to leave comments, but please don't be too harsh =) For the record this is not a legacy challenge and while I don't use many cheats I do use some mods. And now, without further ado I give you: ( My name is Emerald Ashridge... ) WARNING: I am very careful not to show sim nudity. However if a naked boob appears, please do all of us a favor and get over it. It's pixels for crying out loud. That said, this entry does imply teenage sexuality as well as inappropriate sexual situations between a teenager and an adult. Note that I said IMPLY and not SHOWS. 3 tears shed, cry with me?

[Monday, 24th April, 2006 @ 10:11pm] The last few weeks have been wonderful! I've been keeping myself super busy and I have not once cut myself! What's more is that I haven't even WANTED to. I have spent every other day in group therapy as usual. But I can't complain and in fact I don't even want to. Everyone there is really nice and since we all have the same problem, I don't feel ashamed about sharing my experiences or my feelings. I mean, they are going through the same things that I am going through. We all have the same fears and wants and hopes and dreams. I've gotten fairly close with a few people in the group. Besides Sadie (the counselor), Tamora and and Chase have become people that I feel comfortable with. Both Tamora and Chase know my entire sordid past and neither are bothered by it. They know about every tiny, pathetic and twisted things that I have done. And neither made me feel like a disgusting individual. As usual, I'm the baby of our foursome. Sadie is 32, Tamora is 29 and Chase is 26. I turn 20 on Sunday. Goddess, that seems nearly impossible, but it's true. I can't believe I'll no longer be a teenager. It's definitely time to grow up. And I'm finally making the right steps. cry with me?

[Saturday, 8th April, 2006 @ 4:36pm] [ mood | pleased ] Success is a wondrous feeling. I managed to get through the night without cutting. I am very happy with myself. Last night was not pretty at all. I was crying and screaming all night. But I posted here and on _secret_scars_ and I spoke with Sadie at four in the morning, and I'm doing much better now. In fact, today is a good day. The sun is shining and the air is warm and salty and I feel good. I spent a couple hours sitting on the loveseat out on the balcony and writing. It was very relaxing and I am actually starting to get some color on my skin. Not to mention blonder streaks in my hair lol Sadie came by at 1pm and we had a lovely lunch out on the deck with Verena. Verena looked a bit uncomfortable when I talked about the feelings I had last night, but the fact that she stayed truly showed me that she does care. Maybe she and I can work things out after all. After lunch Sadie and I sat in my room and talked. Really talked. I told her all about Anya and the events leading up to my being disowned and kicked out of the house. I told her all about how I feel about my twin and the regrets that I have about the past, about Anya and I. She wasn't disgusted and she didn't look at me with pity in her eyes. She simply said that I can't keep beating myself up about these things and that what's been done has been done. She told me what I already knew. That it was time to move on. Time to forget the past and forget the future and focus on the right now. So that's what I need to do. I also told Sadie all about Joe and I. I told her how badly I had treated him and how awful I had made him feel and how terribly I had reacted to the reply he sent to my message. I thought about writing him again but I don't know. I've hurt him way too much. I don't think he could forgive me for what I have done and quite honestly he really is the nicest guy I have ever talked to. He doesn't deserve the pain I've caused and I don't want to cause more pain. I think it's best if he just continues to believe that I am mad and moves on. I don't want him to get optimistic about us being together. I don't want to disappoint him again. I told all this to Sadie and she looked at me strangely but said that if I feel that that is what I have to do, then I should. I know why she gave me the look. I'm taking the coward's way out. It's true and I know it but I can't take his disappointment right now and even he doesn't say he is, I'll feel it. I'd rather he believe that I hate him or something and move on. I know that he can find another girl. One who is sane. I finally spoke to Lissi (opheliaxlives) today. I apologized for pushing her out of my life and for not replying before. She said she understood. I miss her like crazy. She's like my older sister, and one that I truly admire. I want her strength. She's been through hell and hasn't gone crazy like me. She's kept it together. And she's an amazing woman as well. I hope I can save my friendship with her. I did get an interesting email today. From Jenna of all people. We haven't spoken since she told me she was going back to men. But we chatted for awhile on MSN. I'm not going to expect anything, not even friendship, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be friends again. We could never be a couple again. I know that. There's just too many issues there. Trust issues thanks to me cheating on her, and also the fact that she's not comfortable being in a relationship with a woman even though she is bi. But maybe we can be friends again one day. That would be wonderful. So, yes, as I said, today has been a good day. And for once, I actually cannot wait to see what the next day will bring. 2 tears shed, cry with me?

To Cut Or Not To Cut [Saturday, 8th April, 2006 @ 2:57am] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | tourniquet by rasputina ] I want to cut so very bad. I want to feel the sharp pain as the blade slices my skin. I want to see the red blood pour over the line. I want the pain to be gone. But instead of cutting, I'm sitting here and typing this out. That's good right? So why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like a heroin addict needing a fix? Because cutting is my drug and I am addicted. Oh god, I want to cut so badly. I wish someone would just kill me now. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. But I can do it. I know I can. I can beat this. Even Sadie says I can. And if even one person believes then it must be worth it to go through this torture. It must be. 2 tears shed, cry with me?

Weakness Is A Bitch [Thursday, 6th April, 2006 @ 11:59pm] [ mood | bitchy ] I used to be so fucking strong. I used to be this wonderful wonder woman that people admired and longed to be like. Now I'm this groveling weakling begging for friends and I fucking hate it. I fucking hate what I have become. I despise myself and what I have allowed myself to become. I am strong woman. I don't need to be a cutter. I'm stronger than that. And I know it. But the cutting brings relief. I almost cut myself again today. Almost. But I didn't. I called Sadie, my counselor instead. She's a former cutter so she knows how we feel. She hasn't cut in over 10 years. Now that is an accomplishment. So I went to therapy as I was supposed on Monday and Wednesday. They were three hour long sessions. I have another one tomorrow. One of the things that I was told when I was in the hospital is that I need to have friends that are positive around me. I can't have friends who are cutters for obvious reasons. Unless they are trying to reform. So I thought about it all while I was there and when i got out, I sent a message to Joe explaining that I know that I hurt him and I know that he feels strongly for me, but could we be friends. I explained that I needed to surround myself with friends and just friends. He said okay but we also said he didn't understand how we were friends. I got mad. I thought that we had been friends but I guess that I was wrong. He never saw as friends. He told me that he had strong feelings with me. How could he have strong feelings for me and yet not have any feelings of friendship towards me? I can't be with someone that I'm not friends with. I'm sorry but when I am in a relationship I need them to be my friend as well. If he never thought of me as a friend, then I don't want him in my life. Am I nuts? Maybe. But fuck that and fuck him and fuck everyone else. I need positive friends, people who do think of me as a friend. Not someone who likes me for whatever stupid reason. 2 tears shed, cry with me?

[Monday, 3rd April, 2006 @ 3:16pm] [ mood | content ] So I am officially back. Back? I was gone? Where was I? Well, I'm not proud of this, but I had a very big nervous breakdown when I saw my therapist and because of that breakdown, I checked myself into a hospital. I was there on a voluntary basis only, and could leave whenever I wanted. I checked myself in and stayed for three weeks. I only left last night. I got home at about 6pm and then called my sister Verena. Verena and I spoke for about an hour. Throughout that time, she cried several times and told me she was a horrible older sister. I told her she wasn't. She told me she wanted me to live with her. She doesn't want me to worry about working or bills or being alone or anything like that for at least another month. So she asked me to move in temporarily with her and her fiance. So I agreed. I packed up some clothes and books and paper and my diaries and other things I would need as Verena drove up from LA. So now here I am in lovely, smoggy LA. While I like Los Angeles, I miss San Diego. I actually want to go back. But let's face it. The time to relax will be good for me in the long run. Plus, Verena has a really nice house. She lives about a block away from the ocean and in a three story house. The downstairs area has the kitchen, living room, one bathroom, laundry room, dining room, office and a breakfast nook. The second floor has the master bedroom and two guest rooms, the master bathroom and two small bathrooms and an office. There's a staircase at the end of the hallway and if you follow that up, you end up on the third floor, where I am staying. By choice. When I saw it, I had to stay in this room. The entire third story is open. There are two large windows on the front and the back. There is a sliding glass door and a small balcony that I go out on and breathe in the air. On the balcony is a loveseat (under an overhang) and a light so I can sit and read in the sea air. Last night I had to sleep in the guestroom since my furniture was arriving today, but today my room is all set up. I have my bed (which was murder to push up the stairs) against one wall and under the window. Above it I hung one of those sheer canopy curtains so it sort of floats in the air and looks like a princess bed. Then I covered the bed with beautiful pillows that Verena made all last night and this morning. I placed the matching quilt she had actually been making me for awhile. The quilt is made from purple and pink sari material and the pillows are purple, pink and white sart material. There's a giant pink rug on the wooden floor. Across from my bed my desk is set up with my computer and next to that is my stereo and many of my favorite cd's. Then on the wall near my bed are two bookcases filled with books. Many I brought and some I bought today. I also bought the most beautiful white papsan chair today complete with an oversize pink cushion. This is near the staircase and has another rug underneath. I love curling up on it and reading. So that's my new place. For now. While I am here to relax, I am also here to get better. Yes, the hospital helped. But if I am serious about trying to get better then I have to keep getting help. So I have to go to therapy at four. It's a group therapy class for victims of SI (Self Injury). Actually, I need to get going. I'll try and write when I get back, but it's a long session. cry with me?

[Sunday, 8th January, 2006 @ 1:18am] [ mood | drained ] Dear Scott, I regret ever having sex with you. Why for once in your life can't you act like all the other asshole men out there? Why can't you understand that I don't the needy, sensitive, caring male right now? Why can't you just move on? Men are good at fucking and leaving. Men are good at forgetting about you. Take a cue from them and act like a fucking man. Don't call me at 4 am and ask if I am dreaming about you. The answer is no. I am not dreaming of you. I am not thinking of you. I do not care about you and I certainly don't love you. I used you. That's all there is to it. I fucking used you. I knew you cared about me and I needed sex. Yes, we had sex. Yes we had sex 3 times that night. Yes, it was great. But that's all it was. Sex. Not making love. Just sex. Please, just turn your back and walk away. I don't love you. I never will. xx Aurelia the Ice Queen cry with me?

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